My range of emotions throughout each day are so wildly expansive. Being an empath, I feel everything- I feel my shit, I feel your shit, I feel his shit, her shit. Well, it’s not shit really but it is a lot of emotion and feeling to sift through and it’s sometimes hard to decipher what is actually mine. This is still in a many ways very new to me and I’m learning how to process and protect my own energy. But anyway, I often times wake up totally fine and as soon as I step into work, I’m inundated with everything everyone around me has going on. We share a cube space with another employee and the one I sit with is a vampire. Her negativity and bad attitude twists me up more than anyone else there and I loathe having to share that area with her. She often says how similar she and I are which causes me to practically choke on my words of protest so as not to start a riot. I knew from my first encounter with her that she was not trustworthy and something just didn’t feel right. I’ve talked to her, I’ve shared bits and pieces of my life with her as we do with coworkers or casual acquaintances and I think I just wanted my gut instinct to be wrong.. especially when I learned we’d be sharing such a close space but the fact is, intuition is not incorrect. Period. So when something feels off or you believe you may be seeing right though someone’s BS, trust it!
This isn’t going to be another work related post though. I actually wanted to touch on my Saturday and how I was able to take bad feelings and turn them around proving to me that sometimes we really can redirect the way our day will go by simply changing our thought pattern. I mention the work stuff above because I STRUGGLE with that!! The minute I take on someone else’s anger or frustration or funky mood, or if i just have my own stuff going on, I feel like my whole day is completely shot. My number one goal in 2019 should be working on constraint meditation because I think that would be my best tool to help navigate through those thoughts. Anyway, I woke up Saturday morning (on the couch whoops) at 4:30 which is my usual weekday time. My cats do like to keep my routine in check so often they participate in their wake up Hoomom rituals, even on the weekends. My head was pounding and the fear of another dreaded migraine like the one I had for several days earlier in the week made me fearful to get up. But I did and I fed the cats their canned breakfast and went about juicing my celery as normal when suddenly the garbage disposal seemed to stop working and therefore backed up yucky celery debris and dirty water into my sink. I was immediately SO mad. At the sink, at the apartment complex, at maintenance, at my neighbors, at myself. Everything was an instant target. “It’s not even 6 am and I’m already done with this day! What the fuck?!” That’s my automatic response -to give in and just succumb to a negative situation. “Now I’m going have to call maintenance and wait around for them all day to half ass fix this. I’ve never had to call maintenance this much for anywhere I’ve lived (which is true) This isn’t a “luxury apartment” this place is no better than a cheap dump in the city. My whole weekend is ruined” This is me feeling my shit in the most unfortunate of ways.
I was ready to throw in the towel on 48 hours due to those two issues within 30 minutes of waking up! But this time, I did pause and I did breathe. I got immediately super pissed but once I realized how irrationally upset I was, I took that literal pause I hear Pema Chödrön and others talk about. I worked on my ability of putting to use my words of the year “letting go”
After waiting a bit for the celery juice to work it’s magic I made coffee, ordered groceries, and I reflected on all the things I have to be grateful for. All the things good that far outweigh the little bit of discomfort a clogged sink or a headache gives me. I acknowledged what a pain dealing with the issue would be but accepted it as something that happens sometimes and reminded myself how thankful I should be to have someone to call and fix it for no additional cost! Had I bought a house, that wouldn’t be the case. And as much I thought I needed to manifest purchasing a home this year, I realize that the universe is showing me I’m not ready and teaching me to be satisfied and grateful for where I’m at currently in this moment.
After a while of quiet inner self reasoning, I decide to do a few chores and grab a shower so I could go ahead and put in my cry for help to the office… But first… I decided to check on the sink situation again and noticed the water had gone down. I poked around with a knife and ended up freeing a bit of celery that was stuck I guess, and voilà! Garbage disposal fixed.
Originally I had taken this incident and the headache to mean I needed to stay home but once I realized the sink was fine and my headache was fading, I decided to let go of the little blip in morning and head out to a few thrift stores I was feeling pulled to before picking up my grocery order. I encountered sweet people who engaged with me in a way that didn’t make me feel awkward, I felt incredibly light and positive and I found a mess of beautiful boho clothing to top it all off, as if I needed anything else.
I came home and purged a bunch of old stuff out my closet I intend to give away, chatted with my mom on the phone and I had a really lovely day! I truly believe that had I not taken that time to sit calmly with my thoughts, acknowledge them but veer away from the poor me path and back onto the grateful me path, I wouldn’t have had the same sort of day it turned out to be.
I also screen capped this from the other day because I felt so moved by how it could apply to my current journey of self healing.
What I’m listening to- The Beatles
Current Weather : 38 degrees grey and rainy. Brrrrr
Also, I made a spicy Vegan Corn Chowder for lunch using this recipe found here